When we lose someone, whether it’s through death, separation, or a significant change in their life, we often think of it as losing just one person. However, the reality is more complex. We lose not just the person as a whole, but also the various versions of them that we knew and loved. This can be a difficult concept to grasp, but it’s essential to understanding the depth of our grief.
Imagine a person who was a parent, a friend, a colleague, and a community member. Each of these roles represents a different version of that person. When they’re gone, we don’t just miss the person; we miss the parent who guided us, the friend who supported us, the colleague who collaborated with us, and the community member who contributed to our social fabric. This multiplicity of roles and relationships makes the loss feel more profound and multifaceted.
Grief is a highly personal and subjective experience. It’s not just about the stages we go through, like denial, anger, or acceptance. It’s about how we process the loss of these different versions of the person. For example, if someone was a vibrant and energetic friend but also a quiet and introspective family member, we might grieve the loss of both those aspects of their personality. This can make it harder to move forward because we’re not just dealing with one loss; we’re dealing with many.
Moreover, the way we experience grief can vary greatly from one person to another. Even if two people are grieving the same loss, they might focus on different versions of the person they’ve lost. This is why it’s crucial to acknowledge and validate each other’s feelings, even if they seem different or less intense to us. Everyone’s grief is valid, regardless of how it compares to others.
In cases of ambiguous loss, where the person is physically absent but psychologically present, or vice versa, the complexity of grief can be even greater. For instance, if someone is missing in action, we might still feel their presence in our lives, but the uncertainty can prolong our grief. Similarly, if someone is physically present but suffering from a severe illness or injury, we might grieve the loss of the person they used to be.
Ultimately, recognizing that we lose multiple versions of a person can help us understand why grief feels so overwhelming. It’s not just about missing one person; it’s about missing all the roles, relationships, and memories that made them who they were to us. By acknowledging this complexity, we can begin to navigate our grief more compassionately and find ways to honor the different versions of the person we’ve lost.
