Why is my mother with dementia sitting on the porch, waiting for a husband who passed years ago?

Your mother with dementia sitting on the porch waiting for a husband who passed years ago is a heartbreaking but common scenario. This behavior stems from the way dementia affects memory and perception of time.

As dementia progresses, recent memories fade first while older memories often remain intact longer. Your mother may have strong memories of waiting for her husband to come home from work or errands. These memories feel current and real to her, even though they’re from the past.

Dementia also disrupts a person’s sense of time. Your mother may genuinely believe it’s a different year when her husband was still alive. She’s not pretending or being difficult – in her mind, she’s simply waiting for her spouse to return home as she always did.

This time-shifting can be upsetting for family members who know the reality of the situation. But for your mother, reliving these old routines may provide comfort and a sense of purpose. The familiarity of sitting on the porch waiting feels normal and right to her.

It’s generally not helpful to repeatedly remind someone with dementia that their spouse has passed away. This news would feel like a fresh, devastating loss each time. Instead, validation and redirection are often better approaches. You might say something like “I know you miss Dad. Why don’t we look at some old photos of you two together?”

This type of behavior highlights how dementia impacts not just memory, but also a person’s entire perception of reality. Your mother isn’t being stubborn or forgetful – her brain is reconstructing a world that makes sense to her based on the memories and associations that remain accessible.

While it’s painful to witness, try to remember that your mother isn’t suffering in these moments. She’s finding comfort in familiar routines and cherished memories, even if they no longer align with current reality. Your compassion and patience can help her feel safe and loved, regardless of which time period she’s experiencing.