How Fear of Settling Kept Us Unsettled
Fear of settling is a strange kind of fear. It’s not about rushing into something too quickly, but rather about the worry that if we choose to settle—whether in relationships, jobs, or life paths—we might lose out on something better. This fear can keep us stuck in a restless state, always searching but never truly at peace.
When we’re afraid to settle, we often find ourselves caught in what some call “situationships.” These are almost-relationships where there’s time spent together and emotional involvement but no clear commitment. People stay here because it feels safer than risking rejection or loss by asking for more. The problem is that these situationships create a false sense of progress—they mimic real relationships without the security or clarity—and this can lead to anxiety and emotional distress. We want connection but avoid the vulnerability that comes with fully committing because we’re scared of being hurt or disappointed.
This fear doesn’t just apply to love; it shows up in other parts of life too. For example, some people keep jumping from one job opportunity to another without settling into a career path because they’re afraid they’ll miss out on something better down the line. This constant searching creates its own kind of anxiety—anticipatory anxiety—which is like worrying about what might happen next instead of living fully in the present moment.
The irony is that this fear keeps us unsettled even when settling could bring comfort and growth. Anxiety expert Rollo May pointed out that anxiety isn’t just something bad—it’s part of being human and facing life creatively means facing our fears head-on rather than running from them. When we avoid settling because we’re scared, we also avoid confronting our deeper feelings and desires.
Sometimes people prefer staying unhappy over being alone because silence and emptiness feel scarier than discomfort with others—even if those others aren’t really right for them. This shows how powerful the fear behind settling really is: it’s not just about wanting more; it’s about fearing loneliness or failure so much that any choice feels risky.
Ultimately, learning how to live with this fear means understanding it as part of our journey—not as an enemy but as a signal pointing toward what matters most: connection, meaning, and courage to face uncertainty instead of endlessly avoiding commitment out of worry for what might be lost.
